The Point of No Return

Here I sit ... over 50 ... overweight .... over tired.

I was supposed to be getting in the best shape of my life when I changed the title of this blog. And that was my goal. I was tired of not being able to shop off the rack when buying clothes. I was tired of outdoor companies promising larger sizes for bigger women only to find they weren't in stores, or not in my store ...making it necessary to go back to buying ill-fitting men's clothes for hiking. And let's not talk about cycling clothes ...

So I set out with high hopes and changed the blog to "hiking AND cycling big" ... and was going to be on that bike as much as I could.  And then ...

I have not been on my bike in over 5 years. Not since the last MS150 City to Shore Ride here in New Jersey.  I earned my MA in American History while working full time, put on another 20 pounds or so ... and have watched my body slowly deteriorate since then. And by "deteriorate" I mean joint pain, and degenerative disc and joint disease. Incredible back pain. Carpal Tunnel that required surgery. Bursitis in my foot, heel spurs ...and so it goes.

The back pain is most acute at night when I go to bed. I can and am on my feet all day at work - a retail requirement - and the pain is mild - occasionally moderate. But after periods of rest, or while I am trying to fall asleep, certain movements will cause it to spasm. And the spasms feel like severe sciatica. I have been in physical therapy - and it certainly helped the foot pain, but seems to be making no real difference with the back pain. I keep asking my physical therapist if this is just my life now - a cycle of pain and degenerative issues that will prevent me from losing the weight or getting into shape as I watch old age quickly approach. She assures me that nothing is impossible, and nothing is set in stone. That I can get out of this. But I don't feel so sure.

And I get it ... this is all on me .. the food choices and the sedentary turn my life has taken. My job, which it turns out is "essential,"  is not kind to the body. Standing and walking on concrete floors covered by a thin layer of carpet, up and down stairs, lifting heavy totes and twisting awkwardly as I move them from stack to cart to pallet have all exacerbated the degeneration of my discs and joints which are compromised by the weight already.

I think I have a small window of time left to try and reverse some of the effects of my poor food choices and general physical stagnation. If I don't do something I will be heading into old age with an already broken body that will break down even faster -- and I had plans for my 60s and 70s -- maybe even my 80s -- that did not include Hover'rounds or wheel chairs or walkers. So, while the gyms are closed we are working on cleaning our very small basement and creating a very small exercise area  - with enough space for an elliptical, a spin bike, a weight bench and an exercise ball. I either get this done now, or I am condemning myself to a very difficult transition into my golden years.

So 2020 ... if not now? When?

How Do I Get Motivated?

Here I am again. This was the day after the epic hike to the top of Masatiompan and passed the ogham stone. It was a group hike to the top of Mount Brandon. A hike I didn't make because -- well, I couldn't make it.

So I want to be able to reach beautiful places that are off the beaten path. That requires effort and determination. And I can sometimes muster those things. But not lately. I am in a job that is slowly sucking the life out of me -- one where I am on my feet eight hours a day (or in the case of today 10 hours). So when I get home I am sore, and grumpy, and exhausted and looking to do anything but lift weights or drive to the gym. How do I conquer that desire to just soak in a warm tub and then go to bed?

It isn't just trying to fire up my motivation. It's the food ... my drug of choice. Work is unnecessarily stressful. Ridiculously stressful. And it's unhealthy. The job itself is simple and straightforward. Retail in that sense is pretty easy. Keep it Clean, Keep it Neat, Keep it Full. Oh yeah, and help people (whatever). But yes, it's simple. But it seems that over the course of the last three years my job has slowly been sapping me of joy. It's soul crushing. To counteract that I eat crap at work: Chips, donuts, chocolate milk. It's the momentary thrill and rush that my brain has convinced me will help me through. So sure, I can be grateful it isn't drugs or alcohol, but being overweight, stressing myself out, and eating like a 12 year old can be just as deadly.  I'm probably a ticking time bomb.

So I'm tired, I stress eat, and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life to get out of the retail nightmare and in to something that actually uses my Master's degree - or at least my ability to write - or maybe just use my brain. It's a lot. And I haven't even talked about the depression that comes with all of that, especially during the summer months (yes, I said summer months). How do I squeeze in exercise with all that? I don't know, but I have to figure it out. I am not comfortable with where I am (professionally, personally, physically) and ultimately I am the only one that can change that (or some rich benefactor I haven't met yet).

But it wasn't always like this. Underneath the extra pounds is this person on the right. That's me 34 years ago. And I agree, that many of us are a bit larger than we were in our freshman year of college, or right after high school. But part of the reason I was so thin - even thinner than my sister who has always been smaller than me - is because I was cycling to work every single day. I worked at various Fotomat Kiosks back in the summer of 1985 and I rode by bike to work across Rochester, NY. I didn't get a driver's license until I graduated college three years later!

Unfortunately, cycling to work is out of the question where I live - and I am at work by 6 AM. Crazy drivers, darkness, and bad roads make it a death wish. But somewhere underneath all this extra weight is that person. Maybe I can't get back to that point, but if I can figure a few things out maybe I can get somewhere close.

Hard Work Ahead

This is me eight and half years ago. I was slogging up  Bally David Head along the Atlantic coast of the Dingle Peninsula in Ireland. The Three Sisters are behind me in the distance. From where I was I could look up and see Masatiompan Peak ahead of me. Somewhere out to my right loomed Mount Brandon. This was a punishing hike that began in Feohanagh at the statue of St. Brendan and largely followed the coastline with sheer cliffs to the cold Atlantic below.

At the moment the trail went from a gentle walk to an uphill climb, I began suffering from incredible leg cramps.  Again and again I was forced to stop and stretch or walk backwards to try and keep up with our little hiking group from Ireland Walk Hike Bike. No matter how hard I tried to keep going, however, my partner and I kept falling further and further behind. The cramps were getting the better of me. Our group split up and our guide stayed with my partner and I and made sure we were okay.

The further up we rose the more glorious our views became. I, however, kept walking and stopping. Sometimes I took pictures, sometimes I just tried to catch my breath and stretch. I had plenty of snacks and water, but after a week of walking the mountains and footpaths of the Dingle Peninsula I was tired.   The fact that I was woefully out of shape did not help at all. In order to get us to the top more quickly our guide took us through the heather where the midges swarmed and added to my mix of misery and excitement. We walked across, atop, and around the heather and eventually reached the saddle between Masatiompan and Brandon - the highest point in our walk that day.

At the top was the Arraglen Ogham Stone which was erected in that spot some 1400 years ago. I hate getting my picture taken, but this time I wanted to savor the moment and remember the hard work that went into getting there. As a history lover, I was overwhelmed. How many others over so many centuries had passed by this stone on their way to markets and fairs, on pilgrimages, or when evading the British?



Getting over the saddle was easy and the views of the ocean and the hills helped to propel me forward. As I looked out over the landscape it looked more like a water color painting than reality. All of my efforts had brought me to some of the most unbelievable scenery in the world. If I had quit I would never have been able to see the things I saw, or touch the ancient ogham stone.

We picked our way down the saddle and our guide went on ahead to arrange for a later transport to our guest house. Down the steep path, across the field and onto an old military road then forward to Cloghane. My leg cramps subsided at the summit and once we made it down the hill the rest of the walk was easy and level. Would I do the walk again - even if I had to endure the leg cramps and pain? Yes! But imagine if I had been in better shape! I would have been able to join everyone in a round of drinks at the pub instead of being so late!

This experience is one I need to constantly remember. It took a gut check and determination to make it up out of Feohanagh and ultimately to Cloghane. And the hard work was repaid with such wild beauty that it inspires me almost a decade later. I want more of that. I want more hard-to-reach beauty in my life - more epic hikes and walks, more bike rides, more kayaking trips to more remote places. In fact, I want to go back to Ireland and do that walk with Ireland Walk Hike Bike (a fantastic company to tour with). It can't be done if I can't walk or climb, or even buy the right gear that will fit.

So 2019... if not now, when? I can't keep saying someday, because tomorrow isn't promised to us. So it's time to get off the couch and keep Masatiompan and all the wild beautiful places on my horizon!

Jack Allen Museum

The SJ Tour des Farms begins and ends at the Jack Allen Museum. It was a great little ride in spite of the humidity.  We'll definitely be back next year.

Thanks but no thanks!

Finished the Tour des Farms

The bane of my existence

There is nothing that derails my efforts more consistently than these guys ...and because I work for a certain "healthy" pharmacy chain, these are always available. I need coping strategies to avoid the empty calories and fat and I also need a good meal plan that includes healthy and filling snacks to replace my crunch donuts! The road to pedaling  the Erie Canal starts right here - with small but important choices every hour of the day.